The Strength to Move Forward

Hello Again!  It’s been some time my dear friends.  My last post was by far my most difficult.  It was one that I could never imagined ever having to write.  Over a year later, it still brings me to tears when I read it.  Miscarriages are heart breaking and for me I felt that it was soul shattering.  It broke almost every amount of hope that I was still clinging on to.  A large part of me wanted to end our journey the moment we were given the sad news.

The key world is almost…..

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The month following our miscarriage was the hardest.  I honestly felt that I was moving through life in a fog.  I was there….I was participating….but a part of me was missing.  My smiles were present but they were small….my laughs were there but they were contained.  I felt broken.

I told my husband that I wanted to stop trying fertility treatments….that I gave up on our dream of being parents.  Treatments were physically and emotionally draining.  I just didn’t have any more strength to give to this journey.  I expected him to yell…be angry….to fight with me.  However, he just listened….soothed…..and reassured me that he would support any decision that I made.  We were both hurting….both heart broken.  At that moment, I understood that neither of us were ready to move forward.

My amazing doctor called me a couple days after this miscarriage.  She apologized for not calling the day that we found out….but she wanted to give us time to grieve.  I loved her even more that day.  She truly understood what we were going through.  She could tell that I felt defeated, and wanted me to come in to see her to go over our situation.  I told her that we were fine and didn’t need to see her.  She asked that I just give her a chance to hear her out.  Because of her kindness and determination in her voice, I agreed.

When we went in to meet with her, the empathy in her eyes was very evident.  She understood what we were going through and she felt our pain and hesitation.  She explained why miscarriages happen and tried to reassure me not to blame myself.  She reviewed our case and believed that we should try another transfer.  She wanted to do another HSG and Hysteroscopy to verify that there were no abnormalities with my uterus and Fallopian tubes.    She promised me that she would be there for my hsysteroscopy.  The fact that she was willing to be there, started to give me some hope.

I agreed to give the possibility of one more transfer some thought.  When my husband and I left, we agreed to revisit the possibility of one more transfer when we were ready.  We both agreed that we needed time to heal both emotionally and physically.  During that time, I agreed to do the tests.

On the day of my HSG, my entire team of doctors and nurses were all women.  They were amazing and extremely empathetic.  They were aware of our previous miscarriage, and once again were extremely supportive an encouraging.  For those of you that have gone through an HSG, you are aware of the discomfort that you may feel.  It’s not painful, just uncomfortable.  Through each step of the procedure, all of the doctors and nurses were so attentive.  As I was leaving the room, the entire team wished me good luck with our next transfer.  Their compassion and support really touched my heart.

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The next step was to have my hysteroscopy.  True to her word, my doctor performed the procedure.  The moment she walked in, she could sense my sadness.  I will admit, I was still numb….still broken.  The entire procedure took only a few minutes.  What I love most about my doctor, is that she stayed back to talk to me for about 20 minutes.  I feel it was her final pep talk to encourage me to try one more time.  My doctor is the head of the fertility department.  She’s extremely busy….I know she had a lot of patients to see that day.  However, she stayed.  She recognized that I was in need of her support, so she stayed.

It was after that day, that I decided to move forward with one more transfer.  Being a mother is a role that I knew was meant for me.  I needed to overcome my fears, I couldn’t let them hold me back from my future.  So on December 3, 2015, we had our second FET.  This transfer brought us our beautiful baby boy.  I am so grateful for all the people in my life, especially my doctor.  So many people think that going to a big clinic, you become “just a number”.  However, with my doctor, I felt that she was truly invested in our journey.  My biggest mistake in the whole fertility process was not working with her from the beginning.

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